Red Flag: You’ve answered “No” to “Do you want children?” yet already have them

Do you have children?: Yes. Do you want children?: No. I’ve seen this profile contradiction countless times and it always results in a brow furrow and head scratch on my part. So wait, is it that you don’t want your CURRENT children? Or is it that you don’t want any MORE children with any potential future e-brides on this site? Either way, your mismatched answers are not boding very well for you here. I’m probably pickier than most and I normally veer away from those that do have children, but displaying that you don’t want children when they are already seemingly part of the picture isn’t the most favourable way to charm the ladies of the internets. This can only make me assume that you are some form of dead beat father who is years late on your child support cheques and is trapped in a web of baby mama drama, still “paying for” a mistake that happened in the back of a Honda Civic 5 years ago. So, I’m going to chalk this one up to a lack of common sense on your part and not the fact that you hate your “surprise” offspring - even if it is just a means to hold onto the last strand of confidence I have left for the human race as a whole.

Red Flag: Your profession is “I have one”

So maybe you’re embarrassed about your current job situation. It’s a recession, times are tough, and openly admitting that you are 27-years-old and presently working at a fast food establishment probably isn’t the best way to wrangle in the ladies. Or maybe being associated with your employer on an online dating website is a little too close for comfort for your likings. However, if you’re really that embarrassed or panic stricken, you do have the option of leaving the field blank entirely. Chances are I will just glaze over the empty space, oblivious to the fact that you have failed to mention anything about your profession. Conversely, populating the field with open-for-interpretation titles such as “I have one” or “Got a job” only draws attention to an area in which I gather that you probably don’t want it drawn to. My imagination is left to its own devices and chances are things are not going to pan out well in your favour. When you present a shady, non-descriptive job title, my default is to think of shady, non-descriptive jobs. Are you a drug dealer? Bank robber? Are you selling stolen watches on the street corner out of a trench coat? You’re a seal clubber aren’t you? Maybe one of those people who kidnaps rich kids for fat ransom pay outs? So, although you may think that these elusive descriptions are a successful way to raise mystery while skirting around an unfortunate reality of yours – in actuality, the only thing that these “professions” end up raising are my eyebrows.

Red Flag: You misuse your vs. you’re in your profile

Now, I’ll admit that I’m no grammar whiz myself 100% of the time and that I too have fallen prey to the your vs. you’re slip up on several occasions during chat conversations or what have you. However, this is an online profile – a chance to wow chicks with your best foot forward – for the love of God, proof read this shit! Although the your vs. you’re switch up is not a total deal breaker, your lack of attention to detail can’t help make me question your competencies in other areas of your life. Point Blank: It makes you look slow. The only thing worse than misusing your vs. you’re in your profile is throwing the catch-all, “UR”, into the mix to mind boggle me even further. Once again boys, this is an online profile we’re talking about here, not some character restricted phone text or a Twitter update. So if that’s how you’re going to roll with it, sorry bud, but UR cut.