Break My Heart Internet: You sound awesome but you’re already in a relationship

Oh sweet. Some funny, decent looking male who isn’t 10 years my senior has messaged me! His message title was something other than “Hi” and he totally caught on to all my underbellied profile references – It’s green lights all around for you buddy! Until, there it is, sticking out like a sore thumb when I go to visit your profile page: “I am seeking a WOMAN for DATING. Marital status: NOT SINGLE/NOT LOOKING” Back the truck up here! Why the fuck are you on a dating website then? Why is your profile visible to others? And more importantly why are you trying to flirt with me over the internet? Some form of cheap thrill? Trying to get a little spice outside your normal spice rack? I don’t get it nor am I going to spend anymore time attempting to get it. Your open-minded girlfriend may be okay with this (although I highly doubt it) but I would prefer not to get involved here. I’ve seen Sister Wives – I know the lay of the land pretty well. Or maybe you’re trying to line up some side dishes in case your main dish runs away with her own spoon in the future? Regardless of your intentions, I don’t foresee any of these situations ending well. However, I guess I should be applauding your honesty. I mean, it is quite possible that I could have totally fallen in e-love with you, talked to you for over two months, gone on a series of dates with you only to find out that you actually have a secret girlfriend that you thought I “knew about already”. Not that that has ever happened to me or anything. Er, yeah. More of a friend of a friend of my sister-in-law’s hair dresser type story…

Break My Heart Internet: You sounded awesome until you went MIA

Finally! After what seems like countless eye rolling weeks spent sifting through the rift raft and bottom feeders that make up 95% of these sites, I have managed to find someone who is actually decent. You’re cute, witty, can keep a conversation, spell out full words, and have even caused me to real life LOL on occasion. You’re pretty much perfect according to the lofty (and not to mention more than likely unrealistic) image I have drummed up in my head about you via your text speak. And it appears that you are into whatever false pretense you have rigged up about me as well as you have gone so far as to asking me out to share a pitcher or two in the near future. Then – BAM! You seemingly drop off the face of the internet without warning. No more daily e-mails. All MSN conversation has seized. And I’ve even notice you haven’t logged onto the site that we e-met on for a while. All it takes is a quick sweep of your open profiled Facebook page to realize that this uncharacteristic behaviour is directly related to the fact that you have acquired a new girlfriend – clearly just my luck. At the risk of sounding extremely lame, it kind of felt good to put some of my proverbial eggs in your e-basket. What is online dating without all these unattainable expectations people conjure up about the other after all? To be fair, I’ve been known to pull this vanishing act myself during my online dating career so maybe this is just a little karma biting me in my ass. What goes around will always come full circle on the internets right? So, you win this round, Houdini. Back to the bottom feeders I go.

Break My Heart Internet: You sound awesome but you’ve answered “never” to drinking

You’re cute. Your profile is witty. You seem to be intelligent and you have even mastered the difference between your and you’re in your profile write-up. A diamond in the friggin rough! But – Oh. Wait. Cue up the heart sinking moment when my eyes scroll over the fact that you have answered “never” to the “do you drink?” question. So, really? Never? As in not ever? Ever?! Fuck, I knew there was a catch. Now, I have no problem with guys who are just that awesome au naturale sans all the glorious magic that booze adds to the equation – but that type is just not for me. You see, if there’s any chance we are to meet up, you can bet your bottoms-up dollar that liqour will almost always be third wheeling it with us. I feel your xedgex will be preventing me from taking an edge off. And even if we miraculously somehow make it past that point – I’m a drinker, and I feel it’s important to share common recreational activities. Besides, I thought this whole being straight edge business was a thing of the past; an adolescent phase that you were supposed to quickly move through only so you could validate your LiveJournal xusernamex and look toughxcore on music scene message boards. That is, until you up and got drunk for the first time and promptly realized that the only X you would be needing from now on would be that of Molson Export. Then again, I suppose the reason why you’ve declined the sauce could be due to the fact that you’re a recovering alcoholic – in which case, well, I guess I’m just an asshole. In any event, call me Ol’ English fashioned but I like my boys like how I like myself: boozy.