They were all pretty much there, lined up one after another – Picture of you and some blurred out female, picture of your sweet ride, picture of you holding a fish, picture of you in a group where I can’t tell who the fuck is who. Your profile had more red flags in it than a used car dealership but something about you seemingly captivated me enough to write you back and continue to do so for a while. Perhaps it was a moment of weakness or perhaps it was simply to confirm my instincts about these e-dealbreakers but I eventually even agreed to meet up with you. It was a social experiment if you will – Maybe I’m the one who has had it all wrong all this time and these guys are actually pretty decent in real life? Stranger things have in fact happened after all. So you show up and the car that you’re driving isn’t the slick sports car that you so proudly displayed on your profile – Fine, I’ll give you that one. I could care less if you drove a unicycle or a monster truck frankly. And so you’re wearing what appears to be construction boots and a plaid shirt with the sleeves ripped off – Whatever. A wise woman once told me that a man who wears plaid will never cheat on you. It’s when you lead me to the bar area of the restaurant and sit down at the seat that has “the best view of the TV” where I start to get a little worried that this little rendez-vous is on a steady course to trainwrecksville. And then when you proceed to just stare at the TV blacked out to the world for 3-5 minutes intervals at a time while I am left twiddling my thumbs and downing pints of beer it’s pretty much confirmed that this was a bad idea. But my disinterested demeanor doesn’t stop you from telling me the woes of your online dating career including: The time that you went to pick a girl up but then saw that she was heavier than she lead on to be in her profile so you took it upon yourself to yell “You lied. See ya.” out your window and then proceeded to drive off. Or the time that this girl brought an overnight bag to your place even though you never told her she could sleep over but it was okay because even though you found her annoying it still meant that you would be “getting it in”. When I ask how many STDs you have you actually appear shocked that I would inquire about such a thing. Despite all these eyebrow raising stories I feel nothing could have prepared me enough for the grande finale that took place when you recognize some girl exiting the bar. At this point, this meet up has gone so far off the deep end that I only find it appropriate to pose a question that I obviously already know the answer to: “Oh yeah? Did you bang her?” You confirm my suspicion and then proceed to tell me that you met her while driving home from the bar one night, asked her if she needed a ride, and then “banged the shit out of her.” A bewildered look then sweeps across your face as you blurt out “Wait? Is she even allowed to be in here?” After some quick hand counting and stating that this happened three years ago you reach the conclusion that you’re “pretty sure she is” in fact able to be at a bar. It takes a few seconds for the initial shock to wear off on my end before I pick my jaw up off the floor and ask: “You banged a 16 year old?!” But no worries, I’m put right at eaze when you reply with the fact that “yeah, but I was only 27 at the time.” So there it is – Black as night. Confirmed. If your online dating profile is questionable, you more than likely will be even more questionable in real life (and not to mention probably a pedophile). Red flags are not meant to be ignored. Lesson more than learned on that one!
